Part 5 – Permanence
(a.k.a. When the going gets tough…)
“The mission of a woman is to minister in the home and in her profession to the needs of life from the first to last moment man’s existence”
One of the greatest tragedies in today’s modern society is the rampant growth of the divorce rate. On average, in America there is a divorce every 13 seconds. First marriages have a 41% chance of ending in divorce. That means that you are more likely to get divorced at least once in your lifetime than you are to get into a car accident. The statistics for 2nd and 3rd marriages are even more staggering (60% and 73%).
I cannot pretend that I am special in this. I am among these heartbreaking statistics of marriages ended and vows broken. I take no pride in this, but afterwords, I examined the rights and wrongs of my choices before and during my failed attempt at marriage. Divorce was not something I planned on doing nor is it something I plan on doing again. But, like most things, life rarely goes according to plan. So, please don’t think I am trying to lay blame or shame on women for divorce. That is simply not the case. Typically, young people get married without any real knowledge of who they are marrying (because of the common fakeness that I believe stems from social media) , the expectations of that specific marriage, and an understanding of what all marriages involve. Bottom line is that marriages are hard. Sadly, because they are hard, people tend to quit them too soon. This means that there is no concept of permanence anymore. We no longer follow the mission of meeting the needs of our male counterparts so they can protect and provide for us. Instead, divorce has become so common in our minds that many couples go into marriage knowing that divorce is a back up plan. When the going gets tough, we call a lawyer. The cure to this epidemic must start with us, the women of the fourth realm.
As I’ve said before in previous posts, men will rise to the standards we set for them, and as long as we continue to lower those standards for the sake of ‘not being alone’, men will continue down a path of mistrust, control, weakness, and frivolousness that women readily scold and hypocritically mimic. We women are not free of blame. Modern women are prone to cheating, lying, deception, selfishness, etc, just like men, but I believe that if we set the expectation of how a marriage works and hold ourselves accountable, as well as our husbands, more marriages will flourish and less will fail.
We set these standards by first assessing what it is that we want from a marriage. Essential things like stability, honesty, trust, prudence, and dependability are all vital to success in any relationship. But, what we REALLY have to work on as an entire culture is that concept of permanence. The concept of going into a marriage with the expectation that there is no escape clause, no eject button. We will do what we must to make things work. There are always deal breakers, like abuse, drug use, etc. I’m not talking about these issues. I’m talking about our desire to end a marriage because we don’t have that butterfly feeling of love anymore. The feeling of love is going to wane every now and again. Love is going to change. It’s not always going to be sunshine and roses. You aren’t always going to like each other. Some days you’re going to look at your husband and think “ugh, why?” You will get so angry that you don’t even want to look at him sometimes. These are normal feelings. This is human nature. But what you don’t do… what we CAN’T do is use that as an excuse to put an end to something that is so sacred. Boredom happens. Arguments will cause strife. If you take the time to learn from them, they will help you each grow as individuals and as a couple.
Our biggest issue as a culture is the fear and avoidance of confrontation and rejection. We will avoid talking to our partner out of fear of an argument or fear of being rejected. This cannot stand. We cannot let our emotional weaknesses destroy the foundation of our culture. And that foundation is the family. Man, woman, child. Together. United.
Don’t get married if your first thought is that you can just get a divorce if this doesn’t work out. Don’t get married if you feel like you can’t be honest with your potential spouse. Don’t get married if you think that attention is more important than communication. These things mean that you aren’t ready. It’s ok to not be ready. It’s better to wait than to bring a child into the world and not provide them with a stable, loving family unit that consists of both a mother and a father. Be patient. Wait for the right spouse, and when the time comes, make it known to yourself and your partner that your vows are lifelong. There’s no turning back. Hold yourself accountable. Keep your standards for your husband high. When the going gets tough, the tough work together.